I love newbies that want to bang me.

No, for serious, I do.

The only thing I'm not serious about is saying "for serious" seriously.

In Second Life, newbies that want to pixel-poke me are grotesquely charming and earnest. Expecting an easy bit of somethin'-somethin' from the gothy bit of beauty that I am, they are mortified when I actually engage them in conversation. Admittedly, at the beginning, their opening lines are invariably "hi" followed by the probing "how r u". And before they type the latter, I have already typed, in my 75 WPM way, "fine, thanks for asking. how's your travels today?" and hit ENTER the second after they do.

There is no end to the derisive fun I have by walking in the path of one of these horny bastards - easily identified by the spiky hair (or, bonus, free motorcyclist hair), muppet face (or brooding guy with a goatee) and dark blue sweater and jeans (or big wooden-looking bit of cock jutting out like a divining rod of pussy).

One bloke tried to make a convincing argument that he was destined to be with me and that he wanted me as his first. Barf. When I told him that newbies' ambition trumps their abilities to navigate a bed and text at the same time, he refuted me by saying that just because he is new doesn't make him a good lover. When I asked who he would rather have flying a plane he was on - an experienced pilot or someone with no experience but, by gosh, a whole lot of hope to be a good pilot - he was "dumbfound." His word, not mine. Not dumbfounded, mind you, just "dumbfound." Well, I couldn't agree more.

And I toddled off, watching my own virtual butt sway, thanks to a killer sexy-walk animation override, as I went.

Although I am politely sadistic when it comes to these exchanges, I must take pause to note that I hope, through my sharp (yet never personally insulting) tone, that these boys might talk to the next woman they come across (or, yes, want to come across) with a tad more respect.